BART enters the bathroom, HOMER appears from behind the corner with a box.
HOMER: <Laughs> Wait till he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat. <Laughs>
HOMER, listens there is a flush
HOMER: Huh? Where's the Ee-yow?
BART exits the bathroom
BART: All yours Homer
HOMER: You didnt sit on the toilet
BART: Didnt have to I'm a dude.
HOMER grabs him and they go into the bathroom, HOMER tries to get BART to sit on the toilet
HOMER: Butt on bowl, little man.
BART refuses to sit down.
BART: Hey, my pants arnt down!
HOMER: It doesnt matter!
BART slips underneath HOMER's legs. HOMER goes for him, BART nudges HOMER on to the toilet. There is a spray of water.
BART Laughs, HOMER starts to go for him.
HOMER: Why you little...!
HOMER starts to strangle BART, BART grabs the elecric toothbrush and jams it into HOMER's nose. HOMER grabs the shower nozzle and shoves into BART's mouth, he turns it on, there is a spray seen from BART's ears. BART grabs the toilet brush and then starts brushing HOMER's teeth with it. HOMER starts strangling again, the still on shower starts knocking off all the items on the shelf.
MARGE: What's all that racket?
HOMER: Oh no! It's old lady Simpson! Run!
BART and HOMER exit the bathroom, LISA and MARGE appear, HOMER quickly closes the door.
LISA: What's going on?
HOMER: Uh, I'll tell ya whats going on, I'm taking you all out for pancakes!
MARGE BART & LISA: Yay!
The Simpsons Approch "The Flapjack Stack".
BART: This place looks farmiliar.
LISA: It used to be the leaning tower of pizza. They just painted the tower brown.
HOMER: Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.
HOMER looks over and sees APU and MANJULA with the OCTUPLETS.
HOMER: Hey, Apu whats with the line?
APU: Oh, it's application day at Miss. Wickerbottoms Pre-Nursary school.
HOMER: Pre-Nursary school?
APU: The Fast-track begins at birth. [To the Octuplets] That's it claw and bite for position. There is only enough tuition money for two, rest of you better luck next life.
MARGE: That's alot of pressure to put on a baby. The only thing they should be worried about is the rasberry monster!
MARGE starts to tummy-kiss MAGGIE, MAGGIE laughs. DR. HIBBERT appears.
HIBBERT: You know Marge makes a good point. Competative schools arnt for every baby. <Laughs>
HOMER: Are you saying my daughter cant cut it because I owe you $14,000? I'll show you. Come on Maggie you're getting into that school.
HIBBERT: I will hire a collection ageny.
HOMER: Which One? Tri-city? Omnipay? Insta-thread? I've beaten them all.
We then go inside the interview room with a SMALL BOY, his MOTHER and COWELL COWELL.
BOY: <Lifts up a card that says "Pig"> The pig says, oink. <Picks up a card that says "Chicken"> The chicken says...
COWELL: Look, stop right there. I can go to any "Chucky-Cheese" In America and hear what animals say. You know what I say? I say "Next".
The Boys MOTHER picks up and starts to leave.
BOY: You're a poopy!
COWELL: You nurse with that mouth?
MARGE enters and places MAGGIE on the floor in front of COWELL COWELL.
COWELL: And whats your name?
COWELL: Im sorry, but why are you answering for her?
MARGE: Maggie doesnt talk yet.
COWELL: Not a word?
MARGE: Oh, no, no she says lots of words. Like when she wants something she says "eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhh."
COWELL: Maggie, where not a mime school. So we cant take a non-talker. But here's some good news. The gap will always need sweater folders.
HOMER appears and picks up MAGGIE.
HOMER: I'm sorry we wasted your time, your lordship!
HOMER starts bowing and exiting. He bows a total of four times.
In the Simpsons Living Room. MARGE is darting back and forth.
MARGE: My baby has no future.
HOMER: Oh, Maggie will do just fine. She'll have plenty of money because she'll marry a grocer...
MARGE: But Grocers dont make that much.
HOMER: ...who steals from the till. Will ya let me finish? Geez!
LISA gets off the couch and starts to take MAGGIE into the other room.
LISA: Maggie, you're as smart as anyone of those kids. C'mon.
Water starts dripping from the ceiling to where LISA was.
BART: Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle?
A pile of water falls and a piece of the roof falls onto the couch. Followed by the nozzle, it sprays HOMER, MARGE and BART in the face. HOMER turns it off.
HOMER: Im taking you all out for tacos.
MARGE and BART: Yay!
In the TV room with LISA and MAGGIE, they are playig with Malabu Stacy dolls. MAGGIE has her blocks.
LISA: Okay, at Malabu Stacy's beach party we have, Pita. Hamis. Tempee, Tofu what other fun foods do we need?
MAGGIE uses her blocks to spell "Ice".
LISA: Ice? Did you do that?
MAGGIE laughs and claps.
LISA: Okay, whats a good side dish?
MAGGIE places an "R" next to "Ice" to give "Rice".
LISA: Rice? Why not Caviar?
MAGGIE places an "P" next to "Rice" to give "Price".
LISA: Oh my God! You're not smart you're brilliant! Mom!
Back at the school, with COWELL COWELL.
COWELL: Well, looks who's back. Pipy non-talking.
LISA: Just because Maggie cant talk doent mean shes dumb. Einstein didnt speak til he was three.
MARGE: Even then he could only speak German.
COWELL COWELL gets out of his seat and picks up a stopwatch.
COWELL: Fine. I'll give her an IQ test. Only to extinguish all hope. Alright my quiet American, how many eyes do you have?
MAGGIE looks at LISA.
LISA: Go on Maggie, you can do it.
MAGGIE signals "two"
COWELL: Well, congratulations you are now as intellegent as a pig. Let's see if you can move up to dolphin? How many people in your family?
MAGGIE looks at LISA and signals "Five". COWELL gasps. HOMER signalling the same way as MAGGIE, celebrates.
HOMER: Woo-hoo! I got that one right too!
He starts clapping like a baby would and laughs.
COWELL is now on the floor with MAGGIE and has placed four arrows on the floor.
COWELL: Okay, last question arrange these four arrows to make five arrows. I remind you, you only have fifteen sec... <Sees that Maggie has done it.>
HOMER and MARGE: Oooooh...
LISA: Oh, yeah.
COWELL reaches for the intercom.
COWELL: Philipa, I think you should come in here. <To the SIMPSONS> Your baby is brilliant. Why, she could alredy teach at Florida State.
THE SIMPSONS celebrate LISA and MAGGIE high five. PHILIPA enters.
PHILIPA: This better be important Henry, I was chocking on something.
COWELL: Meet Maggie Simpson. IQ I67.
PHILIPA drops the clipboard she is holding.
PHILIPA: 167! Thats amasing for a christain.
She pins a badge on MAGGIE.
LISA: But... But my IQ is only 159. Maggie's more inteligent than me?
COWELL: Thats right. Because 167 is a bigger number that 159. Do you see how that works?
LISA: Yes, thank you.
HOMER: So, our kids keep getting smarter. If we have another one, it could build a time machine which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids!
MARGE: All our children are smart. Some are just smarter than the others.
BART places his hand on LISA's shoulder.
BART: Welcome to... The Others!
In the Simpsons Living room MARGE and HOMER are looking thorugh a box of baby education things.
MARGE: Maggie, I cant believe how much stuff your new school sent over. Look at these courses you'll be taking. Advanced Peek-a-boo. <MAGGIE Laughs> Got your nose and other lies.
HOMER gets out a bumper sticker.
HOMER: "If you can read this: you're almost as smart as my baby." <Laughs> I slapping this sucker right over "Support our troops".
MARGE gets out a T-Shirt.
MARGE: Look, Lisa theres something in here for you.
MARGE puts the shirt on LISA, it reads "I'm with Genius" and points to MAGGIE.
LISA: <Frustrated Murmour>
MARGE: And Maggie, gets a shirt too.
MARGE puts a shirt on MAGGIE which reads "I'm with jealous" and points to LISA.
In LISA's bedroom, MARGE walks by.
MARGE: Sweetie, you seem so blue. Did the last of something die?
LISA: No, mom it's just that I used to be the smart one. Now I dont know who I am.
MARGE: Ooh, I know who you are, and here's soemthing so you never forget.
MARGE writes something on a piece of paper. It reads "You are Lisa Simpson"
LISA: I already have one of those.
She points to a photo of MR. BURGSTROM and the note he gave LISA near the end of 7F19 - Lisa's Substitute
MARGE: Well then, find a new identity.
HOMER appears in the door way.
HOMER: Your mothers right honey, Katie Cureck didnt just become, the worlds most famous dwarf, she escaped from the circus and went for it.
LISA: Alright if I'm second rate as the smart kid, I will find reson-deatot.
HOMER: That still sounds like the smart kid.
LISA: Right. Right.
In the Elementary School lunchroom, LISA enters with pants, shirt and tie.
LISA: Time to show them the new me. No-ones happier and more well ajusted then the stand up comedian.
LISA walks over to everyone.
LISA: How about these entrees, stuffed Cabbage? Can you believe they found a way to make Cabbage worse?
MILHOUSE laughs, NELSON, JIMBO, MARTIN, JANEY all look at him.
LISA: Alright... So what else is going on? <Flips through her cards.> Let's see... Why do they call them "Field Trips" we never go to a field.
SKINNER: Untrue. Last Thursday we visited a battle field.
LISA: Well... I...
RALPH: I'm embarassed for you.
NELSON: The following "Ha-Ha" is not of amusment but an expresion of contempt "Ha-Ha"
LISA goes to the girls room.
LISA: Okay, Okay... Dont get discuraged. Every me they reject gets me closer to the me they'll like.
In the playground LISA has dyed her hair black, and is wearing a purple dress, and makeup. She approches MILHOUSE on the jungle-gym.
MILHOUSE: What are you now Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
LISA: It's called "Goth" eturnally clueless one. My new name is "Raven Crow never smiles."
MILHOUSE: Cool. We could be Goth together.
MILHOUSE gets off the Jungle Gym.
MILHOUSE: We'll got to the cemetary and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.
LISA: Okay... but first you must apprentise, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock.
LISA picks up a rock. And hands it to MILHOUSE. LISA sneaks away.
LISA: Do I for an hour, hour and a half.
MILHOUSE: Yes, my mistress.
MILHOUSE starts to kiss the rock.
We see LISA in the lunchroom trying to be diffrent people, including Cheerleader, Rapper, Soccer Player, and Cowgirl. "Who's that girl" plays in the background.
LISA: None of these feel right. Oh, wait did I try soccer player?
SKINNER: Tried and failed.
LISA beguins to board the bus. She sits next to BART.
LISA: I'm a mess. I cant believe I'm jealous of a baby.
BART: Hey, I'm jealous of her too. When you're a baby you spend all day rolling around on the floor. Boy, I miss that.
NELSON appears in the seat behind and slaps BART.
NELSON: Fine. Roll around on the floor baby.
BART starts rolling on the floor.
NELSON: Floor baby, floor baby!
LISA: You're making fun of him, for something you made him do.
NELSON: Yeah, well you're gay.
LISA: People who accuse others of being gay, are often covering up their own latant homosexuallity.
NELSON unable to think of a come back vacates the bus through the emergancy exit.
NELSON: Bullies rule!
LISA then walks into the living room, MAGGIE has a load of flash cards and HOMER has a talking FROG thing.
HOMER: The school sent this dealie over for Maggie. His name is Fonnic Frog.
HOMER enters: F-R-O-G and the frog says each letter
HOMER enters his name.
HOMER: <Laughs> That's me. Ha-oh-ma-eh-er.
HOMER starts to enter something.
HOMER: <Laughs> I'll be right back.
HOMER Leaves MAGGIE and LISA together. MAGGIE picks up all her flash cards.
LISA: Fine I'll help you with your stupid flashcards.
She shows MAGGIE the first one it reads "Cat" mAGGIE points to SNOWBALL II.
LISA: Arent you smart. Let's try another one, a little harder this time.
She cycles through and shows one reading "Octogenarian" MAGGIE points to GRAMPA who is sleeping on the couch.
LISA: No thats wrong.
MAGGIE points to SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER.
LISA: That's right! This spells... Dog...
MARGE: You were purposly teaching her the wrong word. Lisa, I'm suprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you. Maybe she needs a better role model.
HOMER appears entering letters in the FROG.
LISA starts to cry, and runs up to her bedroom. Later at night LISA is having a bad dream. In her dream is older and brushing her hair.
LISA: I used to be the smart one.
MAGGIE wheels herself in using a wheelchair and she still uses her pacifier. And uses the FROG to talk.
LISA: Maggie you're such a quick learner, why dont you learn how to fly?
lISA starts to run MAGGIE towards the stairs.
LISA pushes mAGGIE down the stairs. LISA laughs. LISA quickly wakes up gasping. She then enters HOMER and MARGE's room. HOMER's snoring and pressing the "Z" button on the FROG.
FROG: Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee...... Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee-Zee
LISA Moves on to MAGGIE's room.
LISA: Goodbye, Maggie. I'm smart enough to know that you are better off without me.
LISA leaves the house.
LISA aproaches the Kwik-E-Mart. She examines her purse and sees two cents.
LISA: Two cents. I'm sure a lot of people have started with less.
SKINNER leaves the Kwik-e-mart.
SKINNER: Nope. Never under a dollar.
Back at the Simpsons House. HOMER, MARGE, CHIEF WIGGUM, LOU and EDDIE are in the living room.
MARGE: Lisa's gone. You have to help find her.
WIGGUM: Why cant you just accept the fact that Lisa's old enough to take care of herself? Back off and let her live her life.
MARGE: But she's only eight.
WIGGUM: Oh, I thought you said Eighty! Oh, well we'll get right on it. Now, this may be the best time, but I'm suposed to give you this survay, rating the effectiveness of the Springfield Police department.
MARGE fills in boxes all in the same line.
WIGGUM: "Somewhat Satisfying?" I see. Well, maybe I'll just "somewhat" find your daughter. Huh?
MARGE: Fine, extremly satified.
WIGGUM: Looking good, boys. Now, lets go get some smoothees.
CHIEF WIGGUM, LOU and EDDIE start to leave. Now with LISA walking down the street.
LISA: Oh, I'm tired and hungry. Red plastic sandals are not good running away shoes.
LISA spots The Springfield National History Museum.
LISA: Air conditioning! Water Fountains! Diaramas! And I'll never run into my family here. It's the perfect place to start a new life!
LISA enters the museum, she goes towards the sign to the autitorium and hides behind it. The SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN is searching people for food
SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN: No food allowed, you cant hide it in your clothes. Would you please step out of the line sir.
He starts searching the COMIC BOOK GUY removing food.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Go ahead search, you'll never find it all, I'm baking Muffins as I speak.
The SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN throws a slice of pizza away but LISA grabs it and eats it.
VOICE OVER: Some trees are big, some trees are small. But all trees have bark. Except for publoration Maple.
All the people in the autiotorium gasp.
Closing time at the museum. LISA hides. She slides down the side of the dinosaur. Puts pins in her dress. Plays her sax on the replica of the moonlanding. She approches a huge human body. She approaches the mouth. She walks on the tounge and gets out a blanket and a photo of the familiy.
LISA: Lousy Maggie, thinks she's so great. Thinks she knows every... Oh...
She finds that she is on the "Bitter" side of the tounge. She drags everything on to the "Sweet" side of it.
LISA: I miss them all so much.
LISA then crys herself to sleep. In the morning we see HOMER, MARGE and BART posting signs saying "FREE BEER! Now that I have your attention, missing eight year old girl: Lisa Simpson 555-5472. P.S. No free Beer."
MARGE: I hope this type-face catches peoples eye. Sure didnt move our old fondu set.
HOMER: Why does he always take the children and not the fondu sets? Why santa why?
CHIEF WIGGUM, LOU and EDDIE appear on a motorbike.
WIGGUM: Good news, Simpsons we found your daughters belongings.
He hads them over to MARGE.
MARGE: We did you find these?
WIGGUM: Giant tounge.
HOMER: <Annoyed Grunt>, I knew it!
WIGGUM: We also discoverd something very unsual at that museum.
MARGE: Oh, my God what?
WIGGUM: Well if you drop a freather and a bowling ball in a vacuum they'll fall at excactly the same rate. You think you've seen it all in this job then something like that comes along.
CHIEF WIGGUM drives away. Back in the museum LISA is shampooing her hair near a gyser.
LISA: Come on, come on.
The gyser shoots out water, washing LISA's hair. CHIEF WIGGUM can be heard.
WIGGUM: Thats where we found your daughers things. You go look around there while Eddie, Lou and I go ask a few questions. Like how does a helicoptor fly?
LOU: And what causes Thunder?
WIGGUM: I say its angels bowling.
Up top with HOMER, MARGE, BART and mAGGIE. MAGGIE is in the seat of the contol panel.
HOMER, BART and MARGE all enter the mouth.
HOMER & MARGE: Lisa?
MAGGIE looks at the contol panel and sees lots of circus like things. She laughs. Pressing on it, she hits "Swallow" the giant starts to chew the Simpsons (minus, LISA and MAGGIE of course.) HOMER grabs on to the "dangly thing", MARGE grabs on to HOMER's legs.
HOMER: Oh, no the giant is waking up.
BART comes on them and they all fall into the stomach.
MARGE: Oh God, we're in a belly. Everyone take off your shoes.
HOMER, starts to take off his shoes and the giant starts to fall over, the platform above seperates, isolating MAGGIE, meaning that no one not even LISA can reach her.
MARGE: How do we get out?
WIGGUM: Your baby has to press the red evacuate button.
LOU: Yo, chief we have a problem here. I see a vase but Eddie sees two people in profile.
EDDIE shows CHIEF WIGGUM of a black and white picture, looking like a vase.
WIGGUM: This may shock you but you're both right.
HOMER, MARGE & BART: Good Maggie, Hit the red Button.
MAGGIE hits the one below, "Digest"
BART: Maggie, press the red button
. HOMER: I know we'll use reverse psycology, Maggie, dont press the red button.
She hits "Churn"
They are "Churned" by the giant.
HOMER: Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you we're a worthy foe.
MAGGIE starts to cry, LISA runs up a flight of stairs.
LISA: Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry I got you into this.
MARGE: Lisa! You're alright.
HOMER: Oh, good she's here in time to see us die.
LISA: Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift. From now on I'm gonna nurture and cherish...
MARGE: Just tell which friging button to push!
LISA: Maggie, push the red button. You can do it! Red!
LISA points towards her dress. MAGGIE looks at her pacifier. She hits it. HOMER, MARGE and BART go through the digestive system of the giant.
HOMER: Well, Marge, you cant say I never take you anywhere!
MARGE: Ummm... Mmmm...
They all fall out of the giants ass.
HOMER: Well, I think we all learned a lesson today. Dont try to be something your not. Namely food.
LOU: But Chief, now I cant see either one.
WIGGUM: Well we're pretty tired. Lets try a different one.
CHIEF WIGGUM changes the picture to have a figure larger in the background and smaller in the foreground.
WIGGUM: Which figure is bigger? The answer will knock your socks off!
In the Simpsons House.
LISA: I'm sorry I ran off. Being second to Maggie is not so bad. But why didnt Maggie press the right button til I told her to.
PHILIPA and COWELL COWELL appear from the Living Room.
PHILIPA: I believe I can answer that.
HOMER: How did you get in here?
PHILIPA: Your butler let us in.
In the hall we see that the "butler" is MOE.
MOE: Play along. I'll explain later.
COWELL: I'm afraid your daugter is no longer welcome at our school. She's as common as an Angry woman in an Ipsen play.
HOMER: <Laughs> Zing!
COWELL: Let's just watch the tape monkey man!
COWELL COWELL puts the tape in the VCR.
PHILIPA: Whenever Maggie is asked a question, she looks over at Lisa.
Back to earler, but on the tape.
COWELL: How many eyes do you have?
LISA: Go on Maggie, you can do it.
It reveals that LISA is signaling "two".
PHILIPA: Now, rotate and Magnify.
It zooms in on LISA's hand.
LISA: <Gasp> I dont remember doing that! I would never cheat.
COWELL: Perhaps. But subconciously, you wanted her to succeed. Watch.
PHILIPA: Here you are telling her the answer is no. Here is the solution is a square. Here you are telling her the answer is Calafornia Condor.
The first two are done with body language, the last with a shadow puppet.
LISA: So, Maggie's not a genious?
COWELL: She could be, at sweaping up hair. <Laughs>
HOMER gets angry.
HOMER: That's my baby jerk.
HOMER punches COWELL.
COWELL: Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it. But it was like so what!
HOMER punches him again.
COWELL: Ooh! Again with the nose. I have a chin you know.
HOMER upper-cuts into COWELL's chin. He falls unconsious. MOE appears.
MOE: Dont worry sir, the maid and I will take him out to the kurb.
MOE starts to drag COWELL's body to the kitchen, revealling BARNEY, dressed like a maid.
MOE: Come on, Come on.
BARNEY: You promised, no one would get hurt.
In LISA's room, she and MAGGIE are together.
LISA: I dont care what they say, Maggie. To me you're brilliant.
MAGGIE spits out her pacifier and plays a quick solo with LISA's sax. LISA takes it away.
LISA: Not for babies!
She puts MAGGIE's pacifier back in her mouth.
MAGGIE: <Suck> <Suck>