Goo Goo Gai Pan
Production Code
Episode Number
13 March 2005
Dana Gould
Lance Kramer
Executive Producer
Al Jean
Jimmy Heenan
Plot Selma gives Mr. Burns his driving test to replace his old license, which expired in 1909. During the test, she experiences a hot flash and is later taken to the hospital. Dr. Hibbert tells her that she is experiencing menopause (which is explained in a video with Robert Wagner). She is saddened that now she can't have children. Patty suggests that she adopt a child. She almost manages to adopt one of Cletus' many babies, but that falls through after Cletus reclaims the child. Lisa advises Selma to adopt a child from China. Although her forms are in order, Selma learns that she has to be married to legally get a child. When she finds out that the agency-person knows who MacGyver is, she puts down the second name she can think of : Homer Simpson.

She sponsors a trip to China for the Simpsons. While on the plane, Marge informs Homer that he must pretend to be Selma's husband. Shocked, he later decides to do it for Marge. When they arrive, Selma claims that Bart and Lisa are their own children and Marge is their nanny. The Chinese adoption agent, Madam Wu (voiced by Lucy Liu), tells them that they will get a baby in a few days. When asked about his job in America, reasoning that he has no chance of being outed, Homer claims he is an acrobat.

As luck would have it, at an Acrobatics Show, it is announced that the main performer had a sudden attack of "outspokenness" and suffered a "bullet-related death". When people start to realize that the Communist Party of China is not infallible and start questioning everything, Homer is told to perform to forestall an impending riot. The stunt involves being catapulted onto a high stack of chairs. The stunt goes off smoothly, but Homer's over-enthusiastic chanting of "U-S-A!" causes the stack to topple and he gets severely injured performing and is treated in a hospital. There, Selma gets her daughter, whom she names Ling and who is fond of grabbing Homer's eyes. Selma thanks Homer for doing the right thing and decided to leave him to snuggle with Marge for a while. When everyone leaves, Homer and Marge snuggle. Unbeknownst to them, Madam Wu is watching them through holes in the nose of a portrait of Chairman Mao.

As the Simpsons and Selma are about to leave, Madam Wu arrives and takes Ling away, as Homer and Selma aren't married. At the airport, The Simpsons try to console a despondent Selma. Lisa has an idea of getting Ling back. At the nursery, they dress and spray paint Homer as a cross-legged golden Buddha statue. According to the customs of feng shui, the Buddha statue must be taken indoors. The Chinese guards try pushing him in, but he's too heavy. They insert a hook into his nostril and drag him inside, causing Homer a great deal of pain, which he manages to keep in. They finally decide to chop the statue up into pieces as nothing is mentioned about the Buddha being in one piece. When they leave, Homer goes inside the nursery, looking for a Chinese baby... in a Chinese nursery (not an easy task). As he looks around, a baby grabs his eyes. It's Ling! He grabs her and runs out.

The Simpsons, Selma and Ling pass through Tiananmen Square, a place where, according to the Chinese shown in the episode, "nothing happened" in 1989. Suddenly, Madam Wu, in a tank, confronts them and demands the baby back. Selma decides to reason with her, bureaucrat to bureaucrat. For that, she has to sign a form, initial it in two places, and have it notarized. After an impassioned speech, Madam Wu agrees to allow Selma to adopt Ling. Apparently, Wu herself had been raised by her mother alone, as her father was choked to death by a ping-pong ball the day before the Heimlich manoeuvre was invented. Selma, Ling, and the Simpsons depart China via junk except for Bart, who has been replaced by a Chinese child spy who is masquerading as him to deceive Homer.
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